The point of being here...

Last night and tonight I spent on the Quad (grassy area where students gather at night to socialize. Last night I had a 3.5 hour conversation with two students. The topics included gender theory, anarcho-primitivism (which I sincerely hope the students will grow out of), why the one who wants to drop out of school shouldn't, and sundry other things. Today after class, another student asked me if she could talk to me tonight. I met her on the Quad and spent 1.5 hours with her, helping her work through some issues that no child should have to think about.

I am consistently amazed at these students' trials. Sure, many of them are well-adjusted and come from lovely homes, but too many are just psychological wrecks because of how adults have treated them. I get so upset and frustrated at the fact that I have to send these kids home, away from this program, which they have come to see as a refuge. I know that I should strive to maintain some perspective, be an outsider looking in so that I don't miss important data. However, all that logic goes out the window when I am dealing with a child. For me, completing research will always be a lesser priority than my students. If helping them survive and cope means I have to contend with tainted data, that is a risk I am willing to take.

Of course, my current project has nothing to do with students, but hopefully my future investigations will. I need to figure out how to balance the interests of the students with studying a phenomenon critically...but I know that in my heart I will never strike that balance if it is not in the child's best interest. Does this mean I shouldn't be a researcher? I honestly don't know. I am so emotionally involved with this program, with the students in the program...there are some students (usually the ones with the biggest emotional problems) that I follow informally for years after they leave this program. I have students that I regularly email, that I hired to work at this program, that I recommend to my old college program so that they will be in good hands and will be taken care of when I can't anymore. It seems irrational to think that after all these years of emotional investment in this program and its graduates that I will be able to study it as critically as I need to. This saddens me to no end...I am just at a loss and am not sure what to do.